I spent the entire night trying to prepare for an important event. I remember distinctly my mind working overtime in the dream, trying desperately to pull together something that was out of my league to accomplish. I was panicked, but not to the point of inaction. Instead I was in constant motion, determined to make it work....whatever "it" was. But the more effort I put into it, the further behind I became in my pursuit of getting ahead.
It's clear to me why I had such a dream in the first place. In less than nine weeks I will board a plane for Africa for a twelve day journey that has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl. And I am not ready.
Of course I am busy with the endless list of documents to acquire before I go. Passport, visa, airline tickets, shots, not to mention the daunting task of packing only three bags at 50 pounds or less for each one. (Mine no doubt will weigh in at exactly 49.9 lbs each.)
There are phone calls to make and papers to sign. I'm scrambling to raise the funds needed to go, and busy shopping for gifts for my three Compassion sponsored children I will meet while there.
But my sense of being not ready comes from more than the physical details presented in a trip of this magnitude. I am not ready.....because I do not deserve to go.
Where does this line of thinking come from? That I should not be given the gift of my deepest heart's desire? Or that I am unworthy to be handed something that God created me for in the first place? How is it that I am intent on flying across the ocean to make sure three little girls know they are adored by me and the God who created them, and yet my own heart shrinks back from some of the extravagant gifts God offers to all of us.......grace........mercy........forgiveness.. ....and love.
I am reminded to be careful with how I handle God's generous heart towards me. Yes, He wants me to share with and be involved in the rescue of children without hope. But He never intended to bypass me...or you....to get to them. He was first in coming a very long way to tell me how much I am loved and that I do matter, even to Someone in such a high place of honor as He. I have to remember that He came first....for me.
"If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like the noonday.
The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."